Understanding BDSM: What It Really Means
BDSM is a term used to describe consensual sexual activities that involve power exchanges, restraints (such as bondage or handcuffs) or sensation play (including masochism and sadism). In this beginners guide to BDSM, you'll learn everything you need to know to dive into the kinky world of BDSM play.
What Does “BDSM” Stand For?
BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Sadism and Masochism. You may also hear people use the D and S for Dominance and Submission. As an acronym, BDSM encompasses a range of sexual kinks, behaviours, lifestyles and practices.
When one partner is "Dominant" and one is "Submissive", this creates a "Power Dynamic". Sex or foreplay involving elements of bondage or BDSM are called "Scenes".
BDSM vs. What Pop Culture Portrays (Fifty Shades vs. reality)
From Rihanna's "S&M" billboard hit to the deliciously addictive Fifty Shades of Grey series, BDSM in pop culture has been portrayed as everything from taboo to aspirational. While Fifty Shades of Grey might have propelled BSDM into the mainstream, most people might be surprised to find out that the movies are not necessarily an accurate reflection of the BDSM community.
While the props and tools used in the iconic Red Room are indeed real (and fun!), the relationship dynamic between Anastasia and Christian is anything but typical. The very foundation of BDSM is mutual trust, agreement and LOTS of talking. In a real life dynamic, both parties have an equal amount of power (yes, even the submissive!), and aftercare is treated as an essential part of the relationship.
Why People Explore BDSM
BDSM is among the most popular sexual fantasies for women. People may explore BDSM as a way to explore their own desires and push their boundaries, to experience what it's like to give up control or to enjoy the unique intimacy that comes with a dominant / submissive relationship.
Starting Safely: Communication, Consent, and Trust
Consent First: SSC, RACK, and PRICK Explained
As you learn about BDSM, you'll discover a number of acronyms that are used to provide an ethical framework for BDSM relationships and the communication that surrounds them.
SSC: Safe, Sane and Consensual
One of the most common acronyms you'll hear in the BDSM community is SSC: Safe, Sane and Consensual. Enthusiastic consent is the cornerstone of kink play. No matter what your desires are or where you fall in your power dynamics structure, the only BDSM play you explore must have your explicit consent, and your physical and emotional safety must be prioritised. Before taking part in any BDSM scene, ask yourself and your partner:
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Is this safe?
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Is this a sane thing for us to do?
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Is this consensual?
RACK: Risk-aware, Consensual Kink
RACK, or Risk-aware, Consensual Kink, is the next evolution of SSC. When (and if) you introduce BDSM activities with a higher risk level into the bedroom, RACK provides a framework to open up the verbal communication about what activities you are taking part in, and whether you're sufficiently prepared. The elements of RACK are:
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Risk-aware: Are my play partner and I aware of the risks involved in this activity? Can we name the risks and understand how to prevent them?
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Consensual: Are we both enthusiastic about taking part in this activity?
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Kink: Do we both have the same understanding of this activity and what may happen?
For example, if you are planning to take part in some advanced bondage activities, your RACK assessment may go something like this:
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There is a risk that the knots could be too tight or that the submissive being tied up may get claustrophobic. Do we both understand how to signal any issues and quickly untie the ropes?
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Are we both genuinely excited about taking part in this activity with each other?
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Have we discussed which acts may take place during this scene, and what our hard limits are? Am I ok with being spanked while tied up, or would I only be ok with my partner using a feather tickler?
PRICK: Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink
PRICK, or Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink is similar to RACK but with an emphasis on taking personal responsibility for your kink play. If you follow PRICK protocol, you are ensuring that you have taken personal responsibility for your kinky inclinations, you have taken the time to research and become informed on the topic, and you are only engaging in this BDSM play with the full consent of your partner.
How to Negotiate Scenes & Set Boundaries
BDSM beginners and certified kinksters alike must be confident and vulnerable when negotiating scenes and setting boundaries with your potential play partner.
Before anyone slaps on some handcuffs, have an open conversation about what you'd like to explore during this scene, and what your hard limits are. If you're taking on the role of submissive, it's important to understand that no matter what the power dynamics are during your scene, you are an equal partner in negotiating how the scene will unfold.
Some prompts to help you communicate might include:
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I'd really like if you used a paddle on me, is that something you're interested in?
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I only want to try these three things today, please don't introduce anything else during the scene.
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I don't like being called names, but I do like when you praise me.
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How would you like me to touch or speak to you during the scene?
Safe Words & Traffic Light System
Understanding how to communicate clearly and effectively during BDSM play is essential in ensuring that all participants feel completely safe and able to fully focus on their pleasure.
Safe words are not just a good idea, they're mandatory! The most important function of a safe word is to immediately stop the scene. Any participant can stop the scene at any time, for any reason. You can use a safe word if you're experiencing pain, if you're not enjoying an activity or even if you simply need a snack break! A safe word should be a word you wouldn't usually use in the bedroom, to make sure there is no confusion. A good safe word might be something like 'Mechanic', 'Typewriter' or 'Pineapple'.
The Traffic Light System is a great way to introduce safe words that can also enhance your pleasure. The Traffic Light System is as simple as it sounds:
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"Red" means "Stop"
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"Yellow" means "Slow down" or "I am getting closer to needing a break"
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"Green" means "Yes please!"
Beginner-Friendly Practices and Props
Simple and Safe Starter Activities
When you're beginning to explore BDSM, it's important to start slowly. Before jumping straight to whips and chains, test the waters with some simple and sexy fun:
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Lightly spank your partner using your hand or a paddle
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Use a silky blindfold to heighten their other senses
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Trail a feather tickler or ice cube over their bare skin for some light sensation play
Intro to Beginner BDSM Gear: What to Buy (and What to Skip)
Score:
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Luxurious blindfolds
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Leather paddles
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Fur lined handcuffs
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Feather ticklers
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Bed restraints
Skip:
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Heavy duty whips and chains (start small)
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Complicated bondage equipment (unless you're trained in how to use it)
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High impact floggers (begin with something lighter)
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Low quality lubricant (lube is always worth a splurge!)
Roles & Dynamics: Dom, Sub, and Everything in Between
BDSM offers many fun and kinky roles to incorporate into your sex life.
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Dominant: The partner who takes control and orchestrates the scene
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Submissive: The partner who (consensually) gives control and submits to the dominant
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Sadist: The partner who enjoys providing intense sensations or pain
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Masochist: The partner who enjoys receiving pain or other intense sensations
Most BDSM dynamics involve one person having control, and the other surrendering theirs. You might identify with one of these roles, or many. If you enjoy being a submissive but also being dominant, you might be a "Switch!".
BDSM Aftercare: What It Is and Why You Need It
BDSM aftercare is a core component of a BDSM relationship, and something you may not often see in pop culture BDSM depictions.
Aftercare is provided after a scene and is intended to help your partner feel safe, supported and cared for, especially after scenes including humiliation fantasies or physical discipline. BDSM scenes can be an intense experience, after which you or your partner may experience feelings of fatigue, lethargy or confusion. Some examples of aftercare you can use to connect with and care for your partner after BDSM play include:
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Bringing them a hydrating drink in their favourite flavour
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Staying in bed to cuddle or stroke their hair
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Watching their favourite TV show with a cozy blanket
Getting Started: Practical Tips for Beginners
Ready to introduce some BDSM and fetish play into your sex life? Here's how to get started:
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Do your research: Explore adult stores online or near you to find out what products are available and which ones - ahem - tickle your fancy.
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Discuss your fantasies and desires with your partner: Pick a quiet moment and see if your partner is interested in learning more about BDSM.
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Watch some scenes: If you're a visual learner, watch some BDSM themed porn or check out a local BDSM or fetish club.
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Start small: Introduce some light bondage or sensation play into the bedroom and gradually work up to more intense sensations.
Final Thoughts: Your Kink. Your Rules. Your Safety.
However and whenever you decide to jump into BDSM community, remember, BDSM is about pleasure, fantasies and physical and psychological safety. Whether you're a dominant or a submissive, YOU decide what happens next!
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